Blog of the Observer
December 17th, 2017
Jameson can't be with you right now.
Tell the fat man when he comes into your house in the middle of the night to eat your food and stare at you while you sleep, that you need him to bring Jameson to you right now. Then email me your address. I'll bring you some of the cookies I made. Don't mind the crunchy parts.
December 9th, 2017
I have always been a firm believer in putting yourself first. But then I came here, to this place. I wasn't even sure I could feel anything anymore until I saw those kids...now I get what Iza meant. Now I see.
I will do everything I can to prove to her that I can be better.
If only Nika would believe me. God that woman. She made me wash dishes this morning. For four hours. It wrinkled my hands, they're still wrinkled. I've been keeping them in my pockets to hide them. I was not made for manual labor.
And this all came about because I was trying to make friends with some of the new imps. They happened to be female is all. And attractive. We were having a lively conversation about vibrators when Nika drug me out of the bathing room.
I swear the woman has it out to get me. Why get so angry when I talk to other women? She hates me. My next task is to rake leaves. Why do these humans insist on raking leaves? More of them just fall down. Why not just shake the tree until they all fall out and then rake them? I suggested as much. She singed my hair for that comment. Which I still don't understand her level of hostility. I simply asked her to get into her fat dragon form and shake the tree with her manly hands. Why in the world would that make her angry. I didn't even comment on the fact that her tail is crooked.
December 2nd, 2017
Today is a good day. I have new little woman movies, I have a password on my computer--that Iza has not broken yet. Who knew you could do this? Thankfully, Google is very informative. I also managed to speak with the dragons on getting the papers this realm seems to require for everything.
Do you know that you have to have a paper to be born? Otherwise, you aren't considered a person and they can toss you in the ocean. Deportation they call it. Rather cruel practice if you ask me. And they call us monsters. You also have to have papers to operate a human vehicle. This I can understand, but I do think that they should possibly consider assessing an operator's intelligence level. The stupidity some of these operators possess is astounding. The sign says "Stop". How can you not stop? It does not say roll through slowly or ignore completely. And if I am understanding the light system correctly--green means go, red means stop and yellow means speed up before it turns red. This I have only observed but everyone does it, so it must be correct.
Oh, Iza wishes to speak with me. One of her creepy pets just appeared in front of me and made me almost wet myself. I wish she would just text me, it would be less traumatic.
I hope she did not get into my computer again. I manage to keep the phone device hidden but the computer she seems to be able to find no matter where I place it. Here is hoping the password is protection enough. I used my name so hopefully, she doesn't figure that out.
User 2541: Jameson, you just gave the entire internet your password. Besides, I figured it out yesterday and changed it. You'll like your new display photo. Blue waffles will be your new favorite breakfast food.
User Jamesonisawesome: Oh god, that's...that's awful. Why would you scar a man in such a way?
November 25th, 2017
I will never buy anything from another advertisement again. That was a foul experience. I've also discovered that Iza does not like air freshener. She does love cartoons.
Daily, she has us painting...with real paint. I'm pretty sure this stuff is toxic, I watched Iza lick the end of a brush and then spit the paint out. Iza eats anything so the fact that paint is gross to her is significant. I also watched her throw a person the length of the yard. If I had to make an educated guess, at least 100 feet. They landed on their feet, however. It was one of her many kids. Instead of playing fetch she throws the kid and the kid runs back to her. I have a feeling this is not normal behavior. Then again, nothing Iza does is normal behavior.
I am torn on whether or not she is the most ignorant person I've met or the smartest. There are times she seems to go both ways. She also says I am dumb, not all of the time, but after the pill incident...perhaps, she has a right to tease me after all.
She also found my alternate movie stash. I thought I hid them well in the folder marked, "Iza do not look." Does that not signify to stay out? Of course, she looked and changed the name of the folder to, "You have bad taste in porn". It is incredibly embarrassing that she has seen what I watch in my private time. She added some movies as well. One of them has these very tiny women...in costumes wrestling each other. At first, I was going to delete them but...it has a certain appeal to it. I've only watched it five times at this point, since yesterday. Actually, I think I will go watch it again.
November 19th, 2017
Iza has arrived.
She is no longer the creature I knew. Now she is...she is so much more. I caught myself kneeling like the others. Me?
Kneeling without having my life threatened? That's incredible.
But, you see--she deserved it.
Plus, she terrifies me on a level I can't quite explain.
Not as much as Beast...I'm not sure anyone can terrify me as much as that man. No, not Beast. I can't let her know I still think of him by that name. Phobe, she calls him Phobe.
Speaking of him, he is strangely absent. I'm sure he didn't go far. Only an idiot would think he's left her for good.
I saw how he looked at her when he thought no one else was looking. I saw how he looked at me when I...when I betrayed them.
I'm not sure Iza will ever understand the shame I feel for that action. Before me stands the savior to our people and I let them treat her in such a way.
This is Iza, Jameson is losing his blog privileges for the day so if this isn't on time it's all his fault. I friended him and managed to read through all of his junk.
He has work to do today. And now that I know the story of the blue pills, I'll never let him live it down. Not that it let itself down. Not for days. It had an upbeat personality. Nika said it was a cute wee fella.
I'll have you know I forgive Jameson. He's alive isn't he?
Maybe I should make him eat more of those pills. Then make him wash windows. Oh, yes. That's a good idea. A window washer with a woody!
Jameson will return to his normally scheduled junk next week.
Him and his cute wee fella.
November 11th, 2017
Nika laughed at me. Not only did she laugh at me she told Alagard who also laughed at me. And now everyone is laughing at me. And to my shame, I can't hide the evidence of amusement. So I hid in my room.
I overnighted the little blue Magik pills. The instructions said to take one and get immediate results. I waited for an hour and still, the woman in my bed did not orgasm. This pill guarantees they orgasm. I stared at her hard, I patted her back, I fanned her with a large leaf...no orgasms.
So I took 2 more pills. I thought that it would make it 3 times as effective.
My male parts have been...aroused for over 6 hours. Painfully so. No matter what I attempt, nothing changes. My bed guest never did have any orgasms from this Magik pill. I even stood above her on the bed and chanted. And eventually, she laughed at me too. Which is fine, I have had women laugh at me before but at least then I had an orgasm first.
One moment, someone is knocking on my door.
Nika is here and says she is going to help me with my "little problem". I sense sarcasm but I'm not sure where it's meant to be emphasized. I've had "bigger problems" so maybe that is the issue?
I'm not sure these pills are Magikal anymore. I think they are a torture device that lies to convince men they can give a woman an orgasm. I shall write them a strongly worded email. Until then.
November 4th, 2017
Rumor has it that Iza is only a few days away. I think I have cleaned my shoes at least 10 times.They are nice and white. With this lovely thing called Velcro. It's so much more convenient than tying my shoes. It's a shame they only advertise coupons if you are an old person. Why would an old person want shoes? Retirement means bare feet and no pants. Although, I do that already.
Have I turned into an old man? *sticks a finger in an ear to check for hair* No, there is no hair there yet. *sticks a hand in his pants* Those parts are still gravity-free, mostly. Do I act old? Perhaps I should watch some videos on the Google? I'm sure they have many tricks for appearing younger in this world.
*google searches 'appearing younger'* Oh, so it says here I need to get lots of tattoos, big breasted women, and a small red sports car. Tattoos I have, big breasted women I want but these sports cars look very small. Almost feminine. How does such a small car make a man look more...manly?
I do not understand human's thought processes sometimes. There is a magic blue pill for men? This I must have!
Male enhancement? I do not feel I need enhancement but it won't hurt to try, correct? It says here I will be able to give the ladies more pleasure. I'm a very pleasurable partner. I always make sure to tell them they smell nice, and I used to read them poetry I've written. That's pleasurable--wait, what is this Orgasm thing?
Women can have orgasms?
October 28th, 2017
Humans call us barbarians! Every year at this time they take this poor animal called a Pumpkin and gut it. THEN they carve it up and put a candle in it to display on their stoops. What kind of person does that? It's horrid!
Although, some of them look rather menacing in the dark with their gruesome faces lit up. Nika is furious with, me at the moment. I am still trying to grasp what I did exactly. We went to the grocery store and I was speaking to this rather attractive clerk. It is not my fault that she followed me to the back of the store and took her shirt off. I will say that you find fascinating things in the freezer area.
I will buy Nika some flowers or chocolate. Google says that chocolate makes women nicer and more receptive to flattery. Which never works on her. It also said I have a rare form of hagisteria, whatever that is. It started with this itch...
October 21th, 2017
I think the Sidhe is finally starting to like me. My underwear was on my dresser this morning. Instead of the rubbish can. Or the front door. Or the lake.
The vibrator is missing...although, well--perhaps I misplaced that. There was a gathering at the imp quarters, yesterday. One too many Faerie Ales for me. Details are fuzzy, but I woke up with a dog collar on and both of my buttocks are tender to the touch.
I hope I had fun.
There has been a steady influx of dragons lately. I think there is a chance half the Clutch is here now. I imagine the Dragon King will not be too happy about that.
Not that I think Iza will give one whit.
She tends to have a complete disregard for any type of authority.
And Phobe eats them.
I wonder if he would eat that imp I cannot seem to get rid of. She walked into my bathroom this morning while I was showering. She was naked. After we both got out of the shower, she has not left my presence. Even now she is waving at me from the desk across the library.
I am pretty sure that the stake she is carving is meant for some unfortunate beast and not myself.
I would look atrocious with holes in me.
Rumor has it that Iza is on her way here now. Despite everything, I am excited. Terrified too. I think that maybe she is indeed who they are saying.
October 14th, 2017
So I received the vibrator. Yet, when I approached an animal keeping woman at the beverage store, I was scalded by hot coffee. Right in the crotch. Who does that to someone who is only trying to give them pleasure?
It must be because my heart wasn't really in it.
Then I had to run from the "Law Enforcement." I dare say, those animals they send after you are much harder to sweet talk than they appear.
I discovered that wagging their tail is not always a good thing. The TubeYou lied. I have the bite marks to prove it. Disappointing indeed.
Today I discovered something else. Something almost as important. Some Imps came in today. Bedraggled, starving. I'm an Imp.
To see them, in that condition, awakened something inside of me. Anger. I try to avoid that emotion, it solves nothing. But there were children. And one of them looked so much like me as a child.
The Lingire who "owned" them...was not kind to them.
Guilt. I feel guilty. Awful, arousal killing guilt. I have not had relations in weeks. I cannot get the memories of living with the Schoth out of my head.
Or the guilt. I must do something.
Where is Iza? Iza can help me do something.
October 11th, 2017
She sent us to this...Hovel. A Hovel that has a temper and has taken a dislike to me. Every day I wake up on the floor, because it likes to make my bed disappear, with stuff missing.
Yesterday, I found my underwear outside on the front door with a knife driven through them. Nika, the vile woman, laughed. Laughed at my desecrated underwear! I swear if she didn't turn into something that could use me as a toothpick, I might just... speak my mind to her.
But there is a library. And for some strange reason, the Hovel lets me use it. That is where I discovered a personal computer. Amazing technology this world has! I found this blog website, I love learning the new words--and am now putting my thoughts out into the world wide web.
The personal computer also has...movies that someone like myself--I enjoy the female body--can peruse and savor at my leisure. Did you know that they have a device called a vibrator for single women with lots of animals? In this world, they are apparently driven to mate with men frequently.
Something to do with some kind of clock?
I bet they will be more than happy to have my attention.
I bought one. It shall arrive in 7-10 business days. I am not sure what to do with it, but I think having one will, perhaps, entice the animal keeping females. It is the maximum size of 13 inches, after all, ribbed for her pleasure. Although I am not entirely sure what that means.
I also discovered that I --miss Iza. She was a lively companion and quick-witted. I do not miss Phobe. Frankly, he terrifies me and I am not entirely sure I am off the menu. There were times he looked at me like a cat does a mouse. A really hungry cat.
That is all from me today, I have more reading to do on the same website I found the vibrator. I must make sure I can keep the animal keeping women happy.